Now for some Jokes from Tommy Cooper's library....

My wife wanted to go to the ballet. I said: ‘I’m not going to sit and watch a lot of people on their toes in long underwear.’ She said: ‘You don’t have to. Wear your tuxedo.’

 

I always call a spade a spade, until the other night when I stepped on one in the dark.

 

I love bathing beauties, but the trouble is I never bathe any.

 

She’s always smiling. She’s the only girl  I know whose teeth are sunburnt.

 

Now here’s a quick laugh. Do this tomorrow. Walk into an antiques shop and shout: ‘What’s new?’

 

I’ve got a wife who never misses me. Her aim is perfect!

 

This old man was dying and he called his nephew to his bedside. He said: ‘I’m leaving you all my money.’ The nephew said: ‘Thank you, Uncle. What can I do for you?’ He said: ‘Get your foot off my oxygen tube.’

 

Every day she takes the car out, she comes back with the same question: ‘Guess who I ran into.’

 

When the nurse told my mother she had an eight-pound bundle of joy, she said: ‘Thank God, the laundry’s back!’

 

When I asked her to whisper those three little words that would make me walk on air, she said: ‘Sure . . . go hang yourself.’

 

(As Sherlock Holmes) I say, Watson, this is a most serious case — the  window is broken on both sides.

 

A dog bit a chunk out of my leg the other day. A friend of mine said: ‘Did you put anything on it?’ I said: ‘No, he liked it as it was.’

 

My wife is really into Do-It-Yourself. Every time I ask her to fix something, she says: ‘Oh, do it yourself!’

 

My wife does her own decorating, but she overdoes it. The other day I opened the fridge and there was a lampshade on the lightbulb.

 

I swam the English Channel once.  ‘But a lot of people have swum the Channel.’ Lengthwise?

 

I had a wonderful dream last night. I dreamed that Brigitte Bardot came up to me and said: ‘I will grant you three wishes. Now what are the other two?’

 

A drunk was brought into a police  station. He pounded his fist on the counter and said: ‘I want to know why I’ve been arrested.’ The sergeant said: ‘You have been brought in for  drinking.’ He said: ‘Oh, that’s all right, then. Let’s get started!’

 

I always sit in the back of a plane. It’s much safer. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain!

 

In Las Vegas, they gamble everywhere. I went into a drug store for  an aspirin and the girl behind the counter said: ‘I’ll toss you, double or nothing.’ I lost. I came out with two headaches.

 

I saw a sign on a Scottish golf course once. It said: ‘Members will please refrain from picking up lost balls until they have stopped rolling!’

 

I said to the girl in the shop: ‘I want to buy a hat.’ She said: ‘Fedora?’ I said: ‘No, for myself!’

I’m recovering from a cold. I’m so full of penicillin that, if I sneeze, I’ll cure someone.

 

I knew a hypochondriac who wouldn’t visit the Dead Sea until he found out what it died of!

 

He’s so tight-fisted, he’s got varicose veins in his knuckles.

 

She still plays the piano by ear . . . but sometimes her earrings get in the way.

 

In days of old, when knights were bold, the king turned to his knight and said: ‘What have you been doing today?’ The knight said: ‘I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf, burning the villages of your enemies in the north.’ The King said: ‘But I don’t have any enemies in the north.’ The knight said: ‘I’m afraid you do now.’

 

This guy bought his wife a burial plot for her birthday. The following year, when he bought her nothing, she complained. He said: ‘What are you complaining about? You didn’t use the present I bought you last year!’

 

A piano-tuner was called to a nightclub to tune the piano. He was at it for five hours, but the bill only came to £3. The manager said: ‘Is that all? How come you worked for five hours to tune the piano and you only charge £3?’ He said: ‘What?’

 

When I was a kid, I went to a psychiatrist for one of those aptitude tests. On the desk he put a pitchfork, a wrench, and a hammer and he said to the nurse: ‘If he grabs the pitchfork, he’ll become a farmer. If he grabs the wrench, he’ll be a mechanic, and if he takes the hammer, he’ll be a carpenter.’ I grabbed the nurse!

 

The town was so dull, one day the tide went out and it never came back.

 

This fellow walked into a bar with a chicken under one arm and a  crocodile under the other. The barman said, ‘What’ll you have?’ He said: ‘A whisky and soda.’ Then the  crocodile spoke up and said: ‘I’ll have a gin and tonic.’ The barman said: ‘That’s amazing. I’ve never seen a crocodile that could talk before.’ He said: ‘He can’t. The chicken’s a ventriloquist.’

 

People learn something new every day. Why, just today, my wife learned that a car won’t climb a telephone pole.

 

She was so beautiful, when I took her home in a taxi, I could hardly keep my eyes on the meter!

 

It wasn’t easy to get us kids to eat olives. I had to start off on Martinis!

 

I came from a very poor family of five children. We all used to sleep in the same bed. In fact, I never slept alone until I got married.

 

A leopard went to see a psychiatrist. He said: ‘Every time I look at my wife, I see spots before my eyes.’ The psychiatrist said: ‘That’s only natural.’ The leopard said: ‘But, doctor, she’s a zebra.’

 

Once I painted a girl in the nude and I almost froze to death.

 

[Back]